Eight unpopular petitions

I was looking at the government’s e-petitions site for something work-related, but then started clicking around and gained a new appreciation for just how odd some of my fellow country-people are.

Naturally, I had to put the best/worst ones into a list, and here it is. (All of them have just one signature, which I think you’ll agree is probably a good thing.)

  1. Ban full-fat milk – yep, apparently “an excessive dairy intake is one of the main causes of obesity and heart disease” so for those of us who are incapable of making informed choices for the benefit of our health, there should be a ban on full-fat milk.
  2. Get young children working – get toddlers back down the mines where they belong.
  3. Licesnses for baseball bats – “in a country with only 875 registered baseball players…why are sales of baseball bats so disproportionately high unless for criminal activity?”. Good point, let’s make people register rounders bats too.
  4. Give the Calendar Girls show a 15/18 certificate – “because young children go to see the show without their parents permission and people do not think anything of it and it is because the cast are inappropriately dressed”. Ah yes, Calendar Girls, that’s what the kids are bunking off school to watch at the theatre these days.
  5. Sell the Falkland Islands – sell the Falklands to pay the deficit. Why didn’t anyone think of that?
  6. Stop prior publication of the Queen’s Speech – firstly it RUINS the suspense, and secondly “it is highly discourteous to expect someone, particularly someone of the Queen’s age, to go to all the trouble of attending the House of Lord to make a speech to which everyone already has had access.”
  7. Start running nuclear attack drills – because we’re at risk “everyday” and we need to practice.
  8. Introduction of biannual cash gifts as a ‘thank you’ to tax payers – “The government should also contribute to the taxpayers more, by giving the taxpayers grants twice a year as a thank you, for the people’s support for the government and royal family as well.” A much better solution than asking for lower taxes.

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